Christmas is a mere two days away and I decided to take today — Friday, December 23rd — off to buy gifts for all the special people in my life. (Shout-out to me for getting it done early this year.)
On the list of special people are the 2016 New York Yankees. As much as they frustrate me at times, the Yankees are a rock in my life. Without them I’d be whittled down to an angry-Tweeting lunatic, and because I care, I put great thought into each and every one of their gifts. Here’s what I bought:
Mark Teixeira: AÂ gold watch from the street vendor that also sells mystery meat tacos and hot car stereos
This was an easy gift selection since Tex is now retired. I also wanted to show my appreciation for the 2009 championship he helped ARod win, so this is a two-for-one gift. I sure will miss John Sterling shrieking Mark sent a Tex message into the right field seats!
CC Sabathia: A bottle of Pennsylvania Dutch nonalcoholic eggnog
Nothing but the good stuff for CC! The big fella earned his gift this year by making a stunning 30 starts, something none of us thought was possible. We need to keep him warm for the winter and there’s no better way to do that than with delicious eggnog.
Michael Pineda:Â Sports Psychology For Dummies
Joe Girardi may attribute Pineda’s inconsistencies to bad luck, but I think it’s because he is mentally weak. This book should help.
I’d like to hear the inner monologue of Pineda while he’s on the mound. #Yankees pic.twitter.com/cKwIZoshNK
— Andrew (@Andrew_Rotondi) June 25, 2016
Starlin Castro: Yosoo 23″ Super Blaster
Starlin strikes me as somebody who would appreciate a kick-ass super soaker, and the Yosoo is the Rolls Royce of toy water guns. He can have water fights with his BFF Didi around second base, or with me… I’m always available.Â
Didi Gregorius: Hatchimals
I was able to score the hottest toy on the market this year for the hottest rising star on my 2016 list. Hatchimal — the love child of Tamagotchi and Furby, the two hottest toys from the 1990’s.
Alex Rodriguez: $5 Starbucks gift card
Since ARod is still on the Yankees payroll, he’s still on my holiday list. And since Alex loves posting basic-betch pictures of his #MorningRoutine at the ‘bucks, I figured his next latte could be on me.
#NewMorningRoutine pic.twitter.com/k3MExqVDwk
— Alex Rodriguez (@AROD) September 28, 2016
Aroldis Chapman: 105 MPH Stadium speed limit tee
Get yours in the Bronx Pinstripes Fan Shop!
New Stadium Speed Limit in the Bronx! #Yankees #Chapman pic.twitter.com/f8TVeJkLsq
— Bronx Pinstripes (@BronxPinstripes) May 10, 2016
Dellin Betances: Hess Fire Truck and Ladder Rescue Collectible
Hey Joe, here’s a hint — use Dellin as the bullpen fireman in 2017.Â
Chase Headley: Lump of coal
Honestly, did you expect anything else?Â
Gary Sanchez: PF Flyers
OK, so Gary won’t be swiping 30 bags next year.
Aaron Judge: A #99 monogramed wooden gavel
Get it?Â
Jacoby Ellsbury:Â Socks (the plain white kind)
Jacoby has $153-mil sitting in the bank so I think he can afford to buy himself something nice this Christmas.
Masahiro Tanaka: #1 Foam Finger
I don’t think they make “Ace” Foam Fingers.
Brett Gardner: OXO Good Grips Silicone Oven Mitt with Magnet
So here’s my plan: Brett wears this oven mitt with a magnet in it. Then we place other high-powered magnets in the Yankee Stadium second and third base bags, this way when he attempts to steal (which has become more and more rare) he will have an extra boost. This doesn’t solve our problem on the road, however…
Andrew Miller: 100 Things to Do in Cleveland Before You Die (or before you get traded/leave in free agency)
I miss Andrew Miller.
Brian Cashman: A visit from Santa’s naughty little helper
Cashman accelerated the Yankees “rebuild” this season, turning their farm system into one of the 3Â best in baseball and setting them up for a long and sustained run. If that doesn’t get you some Christmas boom-boom, I don’t know what does.
Joe Girardi: A tablet
Joe is going digital! The world is changing and things are moving to the cloud. There is no reason for Joe to lug a heavy binder on road trips. Unlike the NFL, I couldn’t get Microsoft to sponsor this gift so Girardi is getting a knockoff brand. Don’t worry, I know a guy.
