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8 things the Twins could have bought for $8 million instead of JA Happ

Last week, the Minnesota Twins announced signing disgraced Yankees’ starter JA Happ to a 1-year deal worth $8 million. Not only will Happ make $8 million, but the Twins even gave him some incentives…that he will never reach.

While $8 million might not be a ton for a Major League Baseball player, it probably could have been better spent.

1. Chicken Buckets from Yankees Stadium

Everyone knows the most famous food at Yankees Stadium is the famed chicken bucket. Not only do you get chicken, but you also get fries and a pretty cool bucket for only $20. Instead of getting one year of JA Happ, the Twins instead could have bought 400,000 buckets of chicken from Yankee Stadium. As of 2020, Google estimates the population of Minneapolis to be just over 420,000 meaning the Twins could have, and probably should have, bought just about the entire city chicken buckets instead of getting JA Happ.

2. Babe Ruth….64 Times

Back on Jan. 25, 1920, the Yankees purchased Babe Ruth for a whopping sum of $125,000. JA Happ is apparently worth 64 more times than the Sultan of Swat. Now granted, inflation does change things as Ruth’s sale price would be $1.62 million as of 2020. At that rate, the Twins could have bought four Babe Ruths and had just over 1.5 million left over.

3. Stock in Amazon

As of Sunday afternoon, the price for one stock in Amazon is $3,292.23. The Minnesota Twins could have instead purchased 2,429 shares in Amazon and had $3,173 leftover. I guess since Minneapolis has Target’s headquarters, they didn’t consider this smarter option.

4. Jose Quintana

Later on the same day that the Twins signed JA Happ, the Los Angeles Angels signed Jose Quintana for the exact same amount of money. Despite playing in 70 fewer games than Happ, Quintana has accumulated a total of 1.5 more WAR according to Baseball Reference. While both are bounce-back candidates, Quintana is eight years younger and statistically been a better pitcher.

5. 207 Washington Nationals’ World Series Rings

Following the 2019 World Series, the Washington Nationals spent $38,500 per World Series ring to celebrate their players’ accomplishments. At that price, the Twins could have simply designed their own rings and given them out to their players, front office, the entire staff, and just random people on the street. Yes, the rings wouldn’t have really meant anything but it’s hard to see the Twins winning a World Series with these types of decisions.

6. Jay-Z’s Car

Last year, Jay-Z announced that he had purchased a Maybach Excelero for $8 million. The car was famously featured in Jay-Z’s 2006 music video for Lost One and is still one of the rarest cars in the world.


7. Money for Bronx Pinstripes’ Fans

Watching Happ struggle for the last two seasons was extremely frustrating for Yankees fans. Not only did Happ fail to live up to his contract, but his consistent poor attitude earned him the wrath of Yankees fans everywhere. Instead of wasting their money on Happ, the Twins could have instead sent every follower of Bronx Pinstripes on Twitter $72 for pain and suffering.

8. Nothing at All

Sometimes the best investments we make in life are the times we hold onto our cash. Instead of getting Happ, the Twins should have simply just kept the money in their pockets. Maybe buried it in the backyard or in a shoebox under a mattress.


Look, I get the Twins trying to find a bounce-back candidate to improve their rotation. But after constantly watching Happ flail around on the mound, I can’t help but feel bad for fans of the Twins. Now with that said, I am so excited for facing them in the playoffs again and hearing the Boo Birds in the Bronx as Happ walks out to the mound.