Cashman is Santa. He brings you all the toys. Last offseason, it was Gerrit Cole. This offseason, he’ll hopefully give you back that toy he leased to you two years ago, although this year you’ll probably need to give him a few more cookies for it.
Sure, like Santa, Cashman has brought us a lot of good things: Cole, Gio Urshela, DJ LeMahieu, etc. But he has also humbled us by making sure we continue to be good, bringing us some questionable goods over the years.
Elf: Aaron Boone
I would guess elves are subject to Santa’s decisions. Now some may say that Boone’s decisions are autonomous, but some argue that he does whatever Cashman and the “analytics nerds” tell him to do. Like an elf, Boone’s got a cute demeanor to him, but it definitely requires many elves to make the operation run smoothly.
Grinch: Rob Manfred
I am convinced that Manfred is actively trying to ruin baseball. Just like the Grinch tries to ruin Christmas. I think this needs no further explanation, so I’ll just move on before he implements a rule where pitchers must stay in until they face a batter who’s exactly as tall as them.
Peppermint: Mike Ford
Peppermint is something that seems to be almost exclusively enjoyed during the holiday season, and barely mentioned the rest of the year. I obviously hear about Mike Ford during the baseball season (especially when he comes in to pinch-hit for no good reason), but I haven’t seen anything from him since. He’s not on Twitter and doesn’t post too often on Instagram. How’s it going, Mike? What’s your favorite color? What’s your dream vacation? If you weren’t a baseball player what would you be?
This may be a stretch.
Christmas trees: Aaron Judge, Giancarlo Stanton, Jordan Montgomery
These three players are the tallest on the Yankees’ roster, with Judge coming in a 6’ 7” and Stanton and Montgomery both at 6’ 6.” To be honest, I was a little surprised that Montgomery was that tall. Because of their physical stature, they remind me of the Christmas trees. Just be sure to be gentle with them and give them enough water — they could pull a limb if you don’t take proper care.
Snow: Tyler Wade
The reason I liken Wade to snow is that I enjoy the first snowstorm of the season. Then they start to become a nuisance. Wade is a pretty boy at first: great glove, great speed. He had a terrific first game of the season in D.C. filling in for LeMahieu. But then he made some base running mistakes, couldn’t hit a beachball, and you start wondering if his real purpose on this team is to be the pretty boy and make sure everyone has enough denim on the bottom of their flannels. Just like snow.
Presents: the bullpen
Some gifts are more durable than others, just like relievers. Sometimes you get something good, like a Chad Green, Zack Britton, or Aroldis Chapman. Other times, you get something that was fun the first couple of times but then you stop using it (Adam Ottavino).