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The hater’s guide to the Kansas City Royals lineup

Guess who’s back.

And it’s not my fault!  I had to.  I try to sit on my couch and soak in the game of baseball and love everyone but, well…did you watch the Royals this postseason?  Delightful they beat the Mets.  Delightful they celebrated on the Mets logo, giving The 7 Line Army the chance to play the role of the Diamondbacks in Don’t-Celebrate-In-Our-Pool-Gate 2.  Yankee fans of the ’70s don’t need any excuse to hate these guys.  George Brett, Mark Littell and company banged up against us in damn near every playoff series of the era.  But we just kept beating them.  Now, I’d love a chance to get reacquainted with that mentality.  As Andrew said yesterday, this lineup is relentless.  It was cute to watch a 30-year title drought get broken this year.  Next season, it’ll all just feel like rubbing it in.  I’m currently watching their parade.  I hate this lineup.

*This is obviously all a big old joke.  But it’s fun to hate.  Try to hate along with me!

1. Alcides Escobar, SS: Hey, gang, did you know that Alcides Escobar likes to swing at the first pitch?  If you were living under a rock, you’d still know this, because surely someone would’ve come down to your rock, lifted it up briefly, and told you.  The Mets did not know this.  Hate this unbeatable wizard man.

2. Ben Zobrist, 2B/Everywhere: Zobrist can do anything!  And he does!  Ben Zobrist’s wife was pregnant during this World Series, and when she gives birth, the baby’s going to immediately waddle out to third base and start working on its backhand pick.  “Announcers Talking About Zobrist” is the new “Announcers Talking About Pedroia”.  Except Zobrist is two years older, and it feels like he’s four years younger.  He’s an auto-double.  He’s currently sleeping on second base at Kauffman.  He’s going to somehow find a more annoying team to sign with this offseason.

3. Lorenzo Cain, CF: In 2010, the Royals traded a dissatisfied Zack Greinke for Alcides Escobar and their WAR-leader, Lorenzo Cain.  If the Yankees had traded Zack Greinke, they would’ve found a way to receive Juan Rivera and Miguel Cairo in return.  Cain chose baseball over seemingly every other sport due to his incredible athleticism.  Crazy to think if he had been a football player, he could’ve already been in a Chiefs uniform mourning a torn ACL.

4. Eric Hosmer, 1B: This guy.  A-Rod said he’d rather start a franchise with Hosmer than any other player in the MLB.  And let me be the first to say, I’d rather that franchise float out to sea and play in El Salvador.  Hosmer’s your buddy who you used to party with freshman year, and then junior year, you find him face down near a garbage can, Jager dripping from his eyelids, and you can’t help but remember you have to hurry off to class because it’s 11 in the morning.  He’s a certified insane competitor, and also potentially a young maniac.  Keep an eye on this fancy haircut.  He has real Josh Donaldson potential.  Also, he’s a Boras client.  So, uh, I love you, Hos!  Come here, dude!

5. Kendrys Morales, DH: He couldn’t play during the away games at Citi Field.  And wow, it really changed the series.  The Royals won in 5 instead of 3.  Morales was literally the worst member of the 2014 Twins, a team that also employed Eduardo Nunez.  Very Red Sox-ian for him to be good now.

6. Mike Moustakas, 3B: Mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!  Moo.  If Hosmer is the clubhouse bully, Moustakas is Crabbe/Goyle.

7. Salvador Perez, C: My God, Salvador.  You were the World Series MVP.  You can retire now.  Time to get a hobby.  During his four weeks at catcher during the postseason, he was hit with approximately 988 baseballs.  Baseballs to the knee, to the eye, to the sternum, to the groin.  This walking “America’s Funniest Home Video” seems like a great guy.  He deserves 40 years off.  I declare Salvy: unhateable.

(The on-field selfie is pretty annoying, though.  The Salfie?  Sure.  Hate that.)

8. Alex Gordon, LF: The Red Sox have 19 outfielders.  And yet, I can’t shake the idea that Alex Gordon will be a 2016 Red Sox.  Unless he wants to come here!  Brett Gardner loves BBQ, I swear, he keeps telling me that.  Alex is a little too Joba Chamberlain-affiliated for me.  Nebraska boys stick together, so I assume this Husker would come to the Yankees and only be allowed to play the first four innings.

9. Alex Rios, RF: The former Blue Jay is still in the MLB.  And still impactful, inside-outing liners to dead center all postseason long.  May I genuinely ask what the deal is with this dude?  I really don’t have an opinion on him, other than that he and Vernon Wells used to kill us, and now Vernon Wells is sitting in a recliner on a farm somewhere and Alex Rios is still outchea getting rings.  I’d rather use this section to mention that JONNY GOMES WAS TECHNICALLY ON THIS TEAM.  Dear God, I thought we were rid of him.  Game 5 hero Christian Colon credited Gomes for preparing him to pinch hit.  GOMES got CREDIT for the WINNING RUN.  When will it end?  It won’t.  Jonny Gomes might be president someday.

10. Remember when Omar Infante was on this team?  Remember when people were mad the Yankees didn’t sign Infante?  Hahahahaha, sorry, dude.

Those are the guys.  They were supposed to be overrated in 2015.  They were supposed to be fluky, injured, old, and flawed.  They were none of these things.  They will be relentless in 2016.  Hopefully, Greg Bird and company will be the ones to step on their throats in next year’s Division Series.  Bookmark this link until then.