Yesterday was the artist formerly known as Michael’s 30th birthday and all of us at Bronx Pinstripes wish him a very happy belated. Turning 30 is a scary time in anyone’s life, where you really start to evaluate where you are. Are you successful enough in your career? Are you surrounding yourself with the right people? How is your romantic life? All important things to look at as you hit this mile marker of life.
Another question to ask yourself is, “Am I a basic bitch?” and based on Giancarlo’s Instagram story, the answer might be yes.
It’s a well-known fact that only basic bitches repost their friends wishing them a happy birthday on their own Instagram story and that is just what Giancarlo did. I think he is a great baseball player and poised for a big comeback season, but this move has got to go. It’s more A-Rod than Jeter and when you play for the Yankees you should just ask yourself before you do anything, “Is this more A-Rod or Jeter?” and always go the Jeter route. Hopefully as a fanbase we can all move past this, but reposting your own birthday wishes is on my Mount Rushmore of social media offenses.
Reposting your own birthday wishes: We just covered this but, we get it, you have friends. Congratulations! Those posts were for you, not us, and we don’t care.
Wishing your friend a happy anything in multiple stories: Just send them a text message. If you really need to post something just do it once. We don’t need a bunch of pictures where you look better than you friend broken up to into 8 stories. Happy. Birthday. To. This. Hot. Momma. Best. FRIEEEENDS! Especially bad for a 30-year-old man.
Wishing babies a happy birthday: That baby can’t read and according the the terms of service for every social media platform, they aren’t allowed to have an account. Just post what you really want to say. “I have a 1 year old and all you bitches from high school are still slumming it”.
Wishing dead people a happy birthday: Similar to the babies, they can’t read. Plus, if you believe in the afterlife, do you think they’re checking Facebook or Instagram? No, they’re checking out naked people like Kevin Bacon in Hallow Man. Also, it’s extra terrible if you post “Grandpa would’ve been 113 today”. No, he wouldn’t. Modern science isn’t there yet and try explaining social media to someone that old.
Earlier this week it looked like Stanton had something up his sleeve when he was on TMZ. It turns out he was just thinking about all the birthday wishes he was going to get. Poor guy might be crushed when he finds out Instagram is taking away likes.