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Featured Column
·4 min read

The Official ‘Gary’ Power Rankings

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What a whirlwind season 2016 has been for the Yankees. Veterans underperformed and then were either shipped or kicked out of town. New players debuted which brought excitement for the future, but when their effect on the field and in the standings was immediate, fans climbed back on the bandwagon. No new player has grabbed more headlines than Gary Sanchez. Despite only two months of play, you can argue he’s been the most impactful – if not valuable – player this season for the Yankees.

Sanchez has been so good that he’s getting serious Rookie of the Year consideration despite playing only 44 games. If he were to rip the award away from rookies who have played all season, like Michael Fulmer who has made 24 starts or Nomar Mazara who has 540+ plate appearances, it would mean Sanchez finished the season as strongly as he started. 

Regardless of RoY voting (because really, it does not matter in the long term), his 3.0 WAR produced and 30 extra base hits (19 HRs) has been nothing short of legendary. So in honor of Sanchez’s historic rookie season, here are the official ‘Gary’ power rankings.

10. Gary Carter: Fun fact about the late, Hall of Fame catcher is that he may or may not have invented the “F-Bomb.” Whether he did or didn’t, Carter was a beast above the boarder for the Expos and then later in his career for the Mets, notching 7 top-20 MVP finishes in the 1970’s and 80’s.

9, Gary Thorne: His call for Don Mattingly in the 1995 ALDS is one of the all-time underrated home run calls, especially when you consider he’s a Baltimore Orioles announcer. HANG ONTO THE ROOF! 

8. Gary Bettman: I’m not a hockey guy. In order for me to bring you a fun fact about the commissioner of the NHL, I recruited a friend of mine who is a hockey guy but he too could not come up with any fun facts. No worries though, Wikipedia to the rescue. Bettman used to host an hour-long weekly radio show on XM to provide fans the opportunity to speak directly with him and voice questions, comments, or concerns. Imagine if Roger Goodell, the most hated commissioner ever, or Bud Selig, the man who ignored the internet, ever did something like that?

7. Gary Kubiak: I don’t know how a guy who still thinks the bootleg is a good offensive play (it never worked for me in Madden so I assume it’s a crappy real-NFL play) won a Super Bowl.

6. Gary from Pokémon: If you were born in the late ‘80s or early ‘90s then you probably watched, played, and/or collected Pokémon. Now, with Pokémon GO bringing the nostalgia back, Gary Oak, Ash Ketchum’s arch rival, is an automatic induction into the Gary Hall of Fame.

5. Gary, Indiana: Per my research, Gary was called the “murder capital of the U.S.” in the 1990s, but violent crime is down dramatically in recent years. It is still plagued by high foreclosures and a migration out of the city. I’m going to be positive about this and say things are looking up for the fine hardworking people of Gary! Also, The Jackson 5 are from there and without them, as Dave Chapelle so astutely pointed out, we would never have had Thriller.

4. Gary Sheffield: Two words – bat speed. Sheff’s hands and wrists were so strong that, in order to not be too quick on fastballs, he came up with the bat wiggle. Sheffield had monster years with the Yankees, hitting .291/.383/.515 with 76 dingers and 269 ribbies. He only lasted 3 seasons however before being shipped to Detroit after the 2006 season. A year later Sheffield called out Joe Torre in an HBO interview, saying he treated black players differently and that Derek Jeter “ain’t all the way black.” That interview showed why Sheffield played for 8 different teams throughout his career.

3. Gary Sinise: From cop in TV crime drama to movie astronaut, Gary Sinise can play it all. I’ll always remember Sinise for playing the oft-irritated Lieutenant Dan in Forrest Gump, but he’s also acted in other Tom Hanks movies such as Apollo 13 and The Green Mile. He is Robin to Tom Hanks’ Batman.

Speaking of Batman…

2. Gary Oldman: The man has played Lee Harvey Oswald, the country’s most infamous assassin. He played James Gordon, fiction’s most famous police commissioner. He married Uma Thurman, Hollywood’s most famous Uma. And that concludes my knowledge of Gary Oldman.

1. Gary Busey: Everybody’s favorite celebrity lunatic, no list of “Gary’s” would be complete without Busey. He was the perfect co-star in late-80’s/early-90’s campy action movies like Point Break, Predator 2, and Lethal Weapon, but I feel most people now know him from his outlandish appearances on Entourage.

Bonus – the name ‘Gary’: Unfortunately, I’ve got some staggering and downright frightening statistics for you. In recent years only 450 new Gary’s in the US were created and only 28 out of 700,000 newborns in the UK were named Gary. Much like the Snow Leopard, wired headphones, and ace pitchers that can regularly throw over 100-pitches, Gary’s are going extinct!

Funny how none of them have their own hashtag, though.